Better to have loved
by AnnaStormRogers
Summary: Jean and Armin bond over a mutual lost friend. The world is cruel... but it is also very beautiful. But sometimes it is so hard to see the beauty in the ashes. Sometimes...you need help to see. That's what friends are for. NO SLASH.


**A/N: This is my first fanfiction in this fandom so I'm still getting a feel for writing these characters. So please forgive me if the characters are too OOC or if I've made mistakes. Please tell me what you think and I hope you enjoy this. This is a repost with a modification to the summary.**

 **I did not own these characters or the series.**

He had been standing outside the barracks for a while now, the younger boy mused as he watched from the entrance of the building.

Somehow, the usually alert boy had missed his presence completely. Armin frowned in concern as he studied the ash-haired teenager's slumped posture. Jean had not moved in the ten minutes that Armin had been watching him and it was obvious that the older teen had been there for a lot longer than that.

As if he heard the blond's thoughts, the older boy sat down on the steps, still not noticing the small figure observing him. It as then that Armin noticed the small piece of paper held gently and reverently in Jean's hands. The boy was studying the sheet intensely and then, as he stared at his back, the brunette sighed and folded up the paper carefully. Then, much to Armin's surprise and concern, he bowed his head and pressed his face into his hand as his shoulders began to shake.

Armin hesitated, knowing that Jean really wouldn't appreciate anyone observing his weakness. But he just could not find it in himself to just walk away and leave his grieving friend all alone. He remembered when Jean didn't shy away from consoling him during that terrible experience as Historia's decoy.

Making up his mind, he quietly walked towards Jean and sat down next to him, not touching him but not sitting too far away either. The taller boy didn't seem to notice or care about the other's presence. He didn't lift his face from where it was buried in his right hand, the left still holding onto the piece of paper.

Armin gently placed his hand on his friend's knee, not saying a word. He knew sometimes words just could not do enough. The crying continued for what seemed like hours and neither boy said anything, Armin's hand remaining steadfast on the other boy's knee. At some point, an older, larger hand closed around the smaller one, clutching desperately at it. Armin gave the hand a gentle squeeze in response, scooting closer so that their shoulders were touching.

At that, the taller boy finally looked up, his cheeks wet and eyes red. The small blond felt his heart tighten in sympathy when he saw the raw grief and pain written openly in the other's eyes. Jean smiled slightly, looking sadder than he had ever looked. That smile broke Armin's heart and without thinking twice about it, he leaned forward to wrap his arms around Jean's neck.

"Wha-…? Armin…..", his older friend stammered in surprise, his voice hoarse with tears.

"Don't. You look like you need it.", Armin muttered into the older boy's neck, his voice breaking.

Jean blinked, then uncharacteristically relaxed into the embrace, wrapping his arms around the small boy and pressing his face into his shoulder. He felt the tears build up again, despite his best efforts to hold then back. Dammit, he thought as the tears won and tumbled down his face into the fabric covering the younger boy's shoulder.

Armin felt his shoulder become damp and the older boy's frame shaking and tightened his grip around the his neck and shoulders, feeling his eyes tear up, feeling the waves of sorrow rolling off the brunette. He didn't rub his back or say any comforting nonsense like 'It's okay.' , because he knew it wasn't. And he knew that it wouldn't be in a long time. Nothing was okay in a world of child soldiers, where 15 year olds died horrible deaths and abominations like the titans existed.

The tears seemed to slow for a second time that night, but neither boy let go of the other. They just sat there silently, wrapped in each others arms. Armin found himself drifting off, tired after the exhausting day they had had. A voice, so quiet that he would have missed it if it wasn't so quiet around him, startled him into wakefulness.

"Today is Marco's birthday. He would have been 17. "

The voice cracked at the end, full of tears. Oh God, Armin thought, wide eyed with shock, how could I have forgotten ? No wonder Jean had been so quiet today, he thought with new clarity. Jean continued to speak, his voice breaking every so often.

"Everyone says they loved him… that he was a great person….. but nobody remembered Armin ! No one ! He deserved so much better than this!" The voice came out strangled by the end, his distress mounting.

After a long time, he continued ,"I miss him. I miss him so much. And it seems like I'm the only one who does."

The voice was quiet now, the owner seeming to have run out of tears. Armin gasped, feeling his own eyes welling up.

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry Jean! Marco…. W-we care Jean. We do love him. We all do. I'm s-s-sorry!"

"I know you did. I'm sorry. The world's all gone to shit. I can't expect everyone to remember his birthday with all the stuff going on all around us everyday. I mean, I can't remember my own birthday sometimes. ", Jean said softly, laughing bitterly at the end.

Armin felt even more grief well up in him at the statements. He had cared a hell of a lot about Marco. His death had devastated them all. But still, in all the stress and heartbreak of their lives, he had forgotten this.

"We're broken, aren't we Armin ? We're not kids anymore. Hell, I don't think there are kids in this world anymore. Marco made the world seem so bright though. I never had a sibling. He didn't either. I thought we were brothers in all but blood. I never did tell him that. I thought I didn't mean that much to him. But one day, he told me I was like the hot -tempered kid brother he never had. I thought I had found family in the military Armin. And then he was dead a week later. Why can nothing good ever last in my life?", Jean was shaking now, though no tears escaped him.

Armin swallowed, feeling a tear escape his eye. He pulled back a little, still not letting go of the older boy and looked at him.

"My grandpa once told me that when he was little, that they had a saying, 'It is better to have loved and have lost, than never to have loved at all.' He made your life brighter for that time Jean. You had a brother for three years. Isn't that one beautiful thing that was worth it in this world ?"

Jean stared at other boy for a long time before smiling a little. He suddenly laughed, pulling the boy closer to him again.

"I always did know you were brilliant. "

After some minutes of comfortable silence, the boys were sitting next to each other, Armin leaning tiredly on Jean's shoulder when Jean handed him the piece of paper he had been holding before. Sitting up straighter, the blond carefully opened it up.

Three beaming faces stared up at him, joy lighting up their faces. One was a man with freckles and fair hair, a woman with long, sleek black hair and drawn a little away from the two, was a brown haired boy. The people in the beautiful drawing were clearly Marco's parents and Jean. Armin looked at Jean with surprise, waiting for an explanation. He got a sad smile in return.

"Not many people knew that Marco could draw. And he was talented. That's one of the things we bonded about. He showed me this one day, said it was family….the most important people in his life. I planned on giving it back to his parents with his sketchbook and other stuff….. but I just…. couldn't….I needed something…. to remember him by, you know?" He looked away then, his lip quivering.

"You meant a lot to him.", Armin said quietly. "He always believed in you. "

"Yes, he always did. You know, I might have lost a brother, but I think…. just maybe… I found one too?", he said this, sounding hesitant and very unlike the usually loud and brash boy they all knew, not looking the smaller boy in the eye.

Armin smiled warmly, feeling fondness bloom in his heart, before squeezing Jean's knee.

"Of course you did, you idiot. "

Jean wrapped his arm around smaller shoulders, and as the boys sat there, staring up at the starry sky, he looked up at the brightest one up there and smiled ,"Happy birthday bro. I love you. "

 **"This world is a cruel place, but also very beautiful."**  
 **Mikasa Ackerman**

 **Please review !**


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